


Revenge of the Uneaten Veggies

by Jastiss



Series: Lost Recipeh chronicles [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gen, Juvenile Humor, Toilet humor, another facebook idea, basically shitpost until episode ignis, ignis goes crazy, noct won't eat veggies, what was I thinking again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 09:18:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12603340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jastiss/pseuds/Jastiss
Summary: Ignis has been desperately trying to get Noct to eat his vegetables, to no avail.  Fed up, he decides to solve the problem himself.  Cue an increasingly embarrassing lecture from momIgnis, eventually dissolving into talks about bathroom habits and Ignis throwing prunes at Noct in rage.  Also, Ignis exacts revenge from the jibes he receives from The Lost Recipehs.It's dumb, it's weird, unbeta'd, it was inspired by a conversation on Facebook, and I have no idea what I'm doing.  Enjoy!





	Revenge of the Uneaten Veggies

**Author's Note:**

> SE owns their characters. I just like to make them do dumb stuff.

"Trouble you a moment, Noct?" 

From his usual spot on his favorite campchair, Noct immediately became suspicious.  Schooling his face into an expression of careful nonchalance, he turned to his adviser. 

"Yeah?" 

"I've noticed that despite my best efforts to include vegetables in your diet while on the road, you carefully avoid them," Ignis scolded lightly, a tiny frown on his face.  "We've a difficult journey ahead of us, and we need you in top form in order to successfully make it through.  That includes eating your vegetables." 

Noct heaved a great sigh, turning to fully face his companion.  "Specs, are we really going to talk about this now?  I mean, we're gearing up to go after Ramuh.  I don't have time to worry about things like... vegetables." 

Ignis crossed his arms, face impassive.  He knew this wouldn't be an easy task, but it was something that had been bothering him for many years.  King Regis had found it humorous that Noct would never eat his vegetables, but Ignis could never quite come to terms with the fact that it was a failure to fully uphold his duty.  Not this time.  He would prevail. 

"This is the perfect time to talk about this, Noct," Ignis countered smoothly.  "The trials you will face to be blessed with the power of the Six requires a great amount of effort.  Taxing activities require energy, which is something you cannot gain by sleep alone.  Do you remember how exhausted you were following the altercation with Titan?" 

"Ignis, really, I do fine without vegetables.  The fight with Titan was a fluke.  Haven't you guys complimented how I've been doing?  Clearly, I do not need the vegetables," Noct complained. 

If there was one place Ignis flourished, it was in the face of adversity.  He huffed a tiny sigh and decided to change his approach. 

"That is a fair assessment, to be certain," Ignis half agreed.  "I ask you to consider, then, how much more you could accomplish with the proper nutrition.  Why, I'd wager you would be much more powerful.  I've several ideas of how to make the taste more palatable-" 

"Hey, look," Noct interrupted.  He noted a gamut of emotions flit across his friend's face: surprise, annoyance, defeat and then... anger?  "The vegetables and I just don't mix.  I get that you think this is your job, but it's just not going to happen." 

The tension was thick, almost stifling.  Fire burned in Ignis's emerald eyes and the man actually fidgeted, his usual stoicism unraveling.   

"Noctis," he began, his voice louder than intended.  Ignis considered toning it down, but ultimately decided he had had enough of these games.  "This is not something you may forego.  As I have stated, we as your brothers need to be able to rely upon you, and I shudder to think what will happen when your vitamin deficiency catches up to you." 

"Ignis," Noct said, softly. 

"I need you to understand how many benefits there are to eating a balanced diet," the strategist continued, fully immersed in medical mode.  "You will find that you have more energy, to start, and it's apparent you need that.  If you think for a moment that we don't see how often you sleep, you are sorely mistaken." 

"Seriously, I-" Noct attempted.  It was no good.  Ignis was also in full-on lecture mode. 

"Of course, by doing this you will also greatly decrease your chances of cardiovascular diseases, strokes, metabolic issues and many other issues that I simply don't have time to discuss," Ignis barreled on. 

As the tactician rattled on, Noct tried valiantly to tune him out.  However, Ignis could see the younger man's eyes begin to glaze over and it caused something within him to snap.  By the Six, he would achieve his goal. 

"Noct, are you even listening to me?" Ignis shouted.   
   
Across the fire, Gladio and Prompto stilled, peering through the smoke and flames to see Ignis become slightly unhinged.  The blond man stood abruptly, ramrod straight, and began pacing. 

To his credit, Noct attempted to look ashamed.  "Well, no, but I see this is very important to you-" 

"Of course it's important to me!" Ignis yelled.  "Your father tasked me with assuring you were well cared for and I'll be damned if I don't honor his spirit by following through with his request!" 

Prompto gasped.  Gladio sat back, eyes wide.  Noct seemed to shrink down, drawing his arms close to his body and head down close to his chest.  The raven-haired boy felt tears pricking at the corner of his eyes at the mention of his late father. 

"Now, I implore you to listen," Ignis said, voice still at a high caliber.  "As we've discussed, there are still more benefits.  You'll find that you'll become more regular-" 

"Wait, what?" Noct asked, pulling a disgusted face.  "Are we really talking about... about... those kinds of things?" 

While Gladio tried not to chuckle, Prompto tried to hide a giggle by stuffing his hands in his mouth.  Ignis looked puzzled, cocking his head as he stilled in his pacing and zeroed in on Noct. 

"These things are highly important, Noct," he said, just the same as if he were discussing the weather.  "Your body needs to be able to work properly, which I do not believe it is currently doing.  I'm not as anal about tracking your... habits, but I'd wager it's not where it should be." 

Gladio started cackling and Prompto was wheezing out laughter.  They leaned on each other for support as they practically lost their minds. 

"Ignis, please, can we not?" Noct pleaded.  Embarrassment caused his cheekbones to color a deep red. 

"In fact, Noct, I believe you've been complaining of stomaches of late," Ignis mused aloud, stroking his chin.  "I believe you're simply-" 

"OK," Noct yelled, standing and waving his arms wildly in the strategist's direction.  "This conversation is officially over." 

Across the fire, Gladio and Prompto had not recovered, both of them reduced to silent laughter.  They were clutching each other, both hunched over.  Ignis ignored them, rounding on Noct again, the fire back in his eyes. 

"This conversation is NOT over," he yelled back.  "You have been ill recently, and it's a direct cause of your poor diet!  If you will not listen to reason, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands!  Highness, do not push me to that!" 

Fed up, and properly chastised, Noct turned on his heel and walked away, leaving Ignis sputtering in fury.  As he walked away, he felt something softly striking his back.  Noct turned just in time to see Ignis throwing something at him and decided to pick one up. It was a shriveled, dark purple fruit.  Well, Noct thought it was a fruit.  It certainly didn't look like a vegetable.  It sort of looked like a raisin, and Noct was a bit hungry, so he dusted it off and popped it in his mouth. 

"Fine, Noct, walk away from your problems," Ignis muttered.  He turned to Gladio and Prompto, who had finally composed themselves.  "I suppose it's time for dinner.  What would you two like today?" 

They settled on golden tail soup, and as Ignis began cooking, the other two went to go speak to Noct.  Ignis didn’t mind the quiet; preparing the soup while listening to the crackling fire was calming.  His heart rate was still up from the argument with Noct, and he suddenly remembered the trio teasing him over The Incident... 

Ignis recalled the extract he purchased some time ago that caused... well, a quick expulsion of bodily waste.  Noctis needed it anyway, but the others... 

Some time ago, Noct had mentioned having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on another, each telling him what they thought he should do.  At that moment, Ignis had a similar experience; surely, he shouldn't do something so base to his closest friends.  However, Noct was being particularly bratty and the other two had laughed themselves silly over The Incident... 

The other three pulled rude pranks on each other quite frequently.  Why couldn't he do the same?  The devil won out as Ignis retrieved the extract, carefully adding it to three of the four bowls he had prepared.  

"Dinner is served," Ignis called.  He set the table for the three as they ambled over to the main camp. 

Dinner passed uneventfully.  Afterwards, Ignis settled himself in a chair with the book he had been trying to finish.  Around him, Prompto and Noct were fooling around, taking pictures of their crazy antics.  Gladio had taken up a book as well. 

Ignis could tell the moment the extract took effect.  Both Noct and Prompto started to scrunch their faces in discomfort.  Gladio tried to discretely pass gas.  One by one, they grabbed the necessary supplies and ran for privacy. 

"IGNIS!" Noct shouted from... somewhere. 

Peering over his book, Ignis's lips slowly turned upward into a smirk.   
 

**Author's Note:**

> I can also be found on Tumblr! Find me over there under the same moniker. Jastiss.tumblr.com


End file.
